Returning
by ImperialEvolution
Summary: He didn't know who he was anymore. Was he James Carstairs or Brother Zachariah? No matter who he was, he was going back to the normal world. He was returning. One-shot


**_An Infernal Devices FanFiction_**

 ** _Returning_**

 _A/N:_

 _This is a song fic! Please listen to "True Faith" by New Order. Look it up on youtube or something. Please review. This story is dedicated to Ihartdiamonds, because she introduced me to The Shadowhunter Chronicles. Thanks! :D_

 _Disclaimer:_

 _I don't own the Infernal Devices, nor do I own New Order. I do you this Fic and my very weird, eclectic taste of music._

Brother Zachariah stood at the gate of the Silent City, turning the gleaming silver object over in his hands. He almost looked normal now - a natural flush had returned to his cheeks and he didn't glide across the ground as a Silent Brother did - although his eyes were still closed and the runes still marked his cheekbones. Zachariah looked down at his hands, spindly and careful. The Carstairs family ring glittered as he examined it.

An experienced eye could tell it was fake, its silver was too crudely cut and without lusture for it to be real. Yet it still held sentimental value.

He was Tessa in his mind's eyes, her dark curls bouncing around her face as she laughed. She was wearing a beautiful red dress, the silver ring flashing at her throat. He could picture her - beautiful as ever - in gold, her eyes shimming as she held his hands, the runes of marriage carved onto their skin. Niether pictures had ever happened - but they should have. They didn't, all because of that cursed _yin-fin._

Brother Zachariah let out a shuddering breath. "James Carstairs," he said aloud. "My name is James Carstairs."

...

He'd never really had a childhood. Not really. Not that Shadowhunters cherished them as mundanes did.

He'd been seven when the demon struck. Jem's childhood was robbed at the age of seven when the demon, feirce and ruthless, forced him to take the _yin-fen._

"Let me take away the pain," the demon had said to the scared Shadowhunter boy. "Take it and everything will be fine."

Jem hadn't believed it. But the way it said the words - it was like the demon had a little kindness in its warped, foul heart. The tenderness and sweetness of its tone had made him think for a few mere seconds - and a few seconds was all it took - that maybe he should do as it said.

James knew that he'd lost from the moment he inhaled the powder. He _knew_ there was no going back. But it had been so beautiful.

He was so scared - scared for his parents, scared for himself, scared of the demon, and scared of the silver-grey powder.

It was too late when they had saved him. His hair had already been streaked with silver, his skin too painful to be natural. His parents were dead, and he was addicted.

There was no going back. No cure.

...

When he went to Idris, his peers were always taking, talking about the weird silver boy whose parents were killed in front of his eyes, and that he was going to die too. They didn't have to be so loud about it.

And the adults weren't much better - although they were insisting they were helping him. The only good thing was that they were quieter. _"That poor child,"_ they'd say. _"What's his name? James, that's right. James Carstairs. They say there's nothing they can do for him. He's just a boy."_ Jem had heard them from behind doors or around corners. But other times they might talk about his parents. _"They're Shadowhunters, aren't they? They ran an Institute, didn't they? And they couldn't keep a demon out? Worthless. And people like them are supposed to be heading Institutes. It's almost as bad as London."_ He didn't like it.

As the year got older, as he stayed longer in Idris, they - the other small boys and girls - stopped talking to him. They were scared, he guessed. They were scared of what he was and how easily it had happened. They were scared of what he'd become.

...

So he was sent away to the London Institute. Maybe he was supposed to stay there and experience love and security over his final years. No-one expected him to live until eighteen. They didn't think he'd become _parabatai_ with the annoying and prickly Will Herondale. They never dreamed he'd fall in love.

The very moment he saw Tessa Gray was the moment he started falling in love with her. And he'd never stopped to think about the looks Tessa and Will shared. He'd happily turned a blind eye. James knew that Tessa loved him, just as he did her.

She took his time, his thoughts, his affects, his attention. She'd even taken his heart. So he took a little bit more _yin-fen_ than he was supposed to. Again and again he took too much of the stuff that took too much of a toll.

But Jem could be strong for Tessa. He would be strong for her.

...

Brother Zachariah - Jem Carstairs - stood on the edge of the Silent City The fake Carstairs family ring was resting in his remembered the _yin-fen_ , the bane of his life - the thing that dashed all but one of his hopes.

He used to think the day would never come. He thought that he'd always need the YIN-FEN, whether he liked it or not. Jem was wrong, and now, here he was; a free man.

He flipped the ring over in his hands once more, tracing the design on the polished silver. It was a fake, but he slid it onto his finger anyway. He knew who he was now.

He was James Carstairs.


End file.
